THE THING…THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN MADE!

{CAUTION: THIS IS A RANT NOT A REVIEW! — POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR 1982 & 2011 BELOW}

        When I first heard that a prequel to the John Carpenter classic “THE THING” was in the works, I had my doubts. I mean it’s an almost 30 year old film, and modern Hollywood hasn’t really impressed my when it comes to tackling horror classics. Yet, as more and more info came out about it I started getting excited! I mean who wouldn’t get hyped hearing that a horror film was coming using PRACTICAL EFFECTS again? Plus knowing it would be about the Norwegian base that Carpenter showed us has some serious horror go down! And hearing the cast and crew talk about how faithful they were trying to stay to Carpenter. The director and producers seemed to “get it”, making me think “finally, Hollywood understands!”

And then I saw the finish film.

Where did this film go so wrong? I mean after all this we had been told about how detail-orientated and how much they wanted to be faithful to the 1982 classic…how does what I saw represent that? Let’s start where I personally think it went wrong:

I believe the studio ALWAYS wanted a remake; from day one. Yet, they had the good grace to know that fans would finally pull a: “Occupy Wall Street” if a full on remake was actually green lit. “But remakes are hip, and make money!” they probably cried in business meetings, then somebody with some form of appreciation for the ‘82 classic said the George Lucas buzzword: “PREQUEL!”

I mean a prequel even makes sense to me, the original set one up very nicely, and that was in an era before Hollywood got desperate! However, even with that premise the Big Hollywood Producers just weren’t satisfied; remakes are the craze these days not prequels {again I sight Lucas}. That’s when I believe they took the turn for the worse. Somebody as twisted and evil as pre-RETURN OF THE JEDI  Darth Vader probably mentioned that 95% of modern audiences in the target age range either had never seen the ’82 version, or had never heard of it. This would allow the producers to SET the film as a prequel, tossing various references for the fans, and yet remake it to whatever they felt the “modern audience” would accept! And like that Hollywood found its way to make the remake they truly wanted!

I wouldn’t have minded a remake. Let’s be honest, we all knew it was inevitable. I just wish Hollywood would have had the courage to TELL ME UP FRONT it was a remake, not lie to me about it being a faithful prequel!

I can’t truly review this film. Not in any depth. All I can say is: Imagine the original, but with a CGI creature that attacks out of boredom, shaky-cam all over the place, no paranoia or tension, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead looking cute. And if you haven’t seen the original: SKIP THE REMAKE AND WATCH THE ORIGINAL!

Truthfully, what’s left to say other than shame, shame Hollywood… I mean the Thing itself does even line up with the ’82 version in its hunting tactics. In the original, the Thing hides and captures its prey in the dark, when they are alone and the ONLY reason we see it is because it’s caught in the act. This Thing just randomly spouts tentacles and goes running after people! WHY?!?!

Oh and let’s not talk about the ending! Yes, we all know it would end with Lars on the helicopter chasing the dog shooting at it. That’s the one part Hollywood actually got RIGHT! But HOW DID LARS SURVIVE HIS ATTACK? HOW IS HE  STILL ALIVE, AND WHERE DID HE GO FOR THE LAST 20 MINUTES OF THE FILM?

Short-Story-Long:
This movie is total crap on a stick; don’t waste your time or money on it. Maybe that will teach Hollywood not to lie to the fans! {It won’t, but I can dream can’t I?}
~_M.H._~